I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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