mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize