this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
