Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
