my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
It was confusing and full of hummus
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
