bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
