I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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