tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
