all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
