I didn't shave. On purpose
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
