What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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