Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
