I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Randomize
