I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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