I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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