Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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