I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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