It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
