I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
