woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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