You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Randomize
