i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
