I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
