My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
this is an emotional support booty call
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
