singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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