1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
