i may or may not be watching the land before time
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
The Olympian is in my bed
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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