I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
