You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Randomize
