can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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