Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
