I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
