between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize