I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
