Apparently you make a good broom.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
