im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
