I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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