She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
