My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
