Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
