farters have to be the big spoon...
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
