Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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