Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
