I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
