did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
