All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
