I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
