So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
