I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
