I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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