When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
