Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
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