I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
