I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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