There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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