Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
