she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize