U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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